


I'm not afraid of you

by 536



Category: Graceland (TV)
Genre: Hand Jobs, Internal Monologue, M/M, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 03:10:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18002693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/536/pseuds/536
Summary: It felt emotional. It felt real. When real things could be taken and lost, it was hard to play pretend.





	I'm not afraid of you

      “I’m not afraid of you,” Johnny said.

      But he was. He was afraid of Carlito, of himself. He was afraid of where he was. He was afraid of the thoughts in his mind of his home—his _home_ home—his family and what the thoughts meant. He was afraid of the dark tunnel inside the barrel of the gun in front of his eyes, the way he was taught to be. He was afraid of the consequences no matter what they were.

      Through his fear—flashing in front of him between blurs of black—he just did it. He knew Carlito so well, knew what would work if anything did. It didn’t ‘even feel tactical though. It felt emotional. It felt real. When real things could be taken and lost, it was hard to play pretend. His life, other lives, was in danger. This had to come from him. And it did. He kissed the barrel of the gun, eyes closed like he trusted the man in front of him. Eyes closed because in this move he made, he had to trust this man in front of him. He hoped Carlito felt it. He hoped the feeling traveled from his arm to his stomach, if it couldn’t get to his heart. This was what Carlito wanted. He wanted someone to trust him, to accept him, _believe_ in him. In this moment, that’s what he had to do. He had to be there for him. He wished, eyes still closed, that Carlito felt it somewhere.

      When lips met his, hard enough to hurt in any other situation, he knew that Carlito did. Johnny wondered if he was afraid of what he felt, too. He pushed the thought behind him before he can dissect what it meant. When Carlito pulled away quickly, forcefully, he was relieved.

      In this new position he was in, where he wasn’t in immediate danger, he allowed himself to be angry. He took the towel that Carlito pressed to his bleeding temple, but pushed his hand away.

      In this new position he was in, he allowed himself to make demands, to get what he wanted, and be a part of Carlito’s illegal plans. When Carlito said, “I will give you what you want,” and kissed him, Johnny couldn’t push him away. He was going to take Carlito down. He knew that. He was going to do his job till the end; until he died or until this whole operation was taken down. Either way, he was staying until everything was over. Getting caught tonight wouldn’t guarantee that everyone would go down. Hell, it didn’t even guarantee that the man standing pressed against him would go down. If he was staying till the end, which he decided he was, then he could do this tonight. He could want this man. Really want him, really kiss him, really stay by his side, and really stab him in the back when the time came. That’s what this job meant, and he realized it in that exact moment.

      When he grabbed Carlito’s forearm—he was looking for something to hold on to—and Carlito pulled away looking a little hurt but smiling as if to say “I knew it,” he was confused. Then he realized it’s because Carlito had been undoing the buttons of his shirt. He quickly untucked his shirt and pulled it over his head, and was happy with the look of surprise on Carlito’s face. How long did he have to prove him wrong in thinking that he didn’t want him? He really couldn’t have any doubts or hesitations, he thought, not with this person. He’d be so focused on looking for them, he’d find them even if they were barely there.

      He surprised Carlito when he pulled him in by the back of his neck. He heard him gasp just as he bit his bottom lip before kissing him. He surprised Carlito when he undid the buttons and pulled his shirt off. He surprised Carlito when he touched his shoulders and brought his hands down his arms. He surprised Carlito when he retraced his touches back to his shoulders just to bring his hands down his chest and stomach.

      When he reached the waistband of Carlito’s pants, he almost thought it was too soon. He almost brought his hands back up to his shoulders. But he knew Carlito would see this as hesitation so he surprised him again when he started undoing the clasps of his pants. He knew he did because Carlito went from looking at his face in disbelief, disguised behind a smug smile, to looking down at his hands instead. He hoped Carlito couldn’t see his hands shaking. He knew he would just mistake it for fear. Johnny wasn’t sure what it meant himself.

      And maybe he did hesitate when all he did was touch Carlito over his boxers, but he was sure Carlito was past focusing on that when he fell forward to kiss him. Their teeth knocked and Carlito moaned as he pushed himself against Johnny’s hand. Johnny felt a rush at having someone feel this way so he acted on it. He pushed his hand into Carlito’s boxers and felt a wave of heat spread over him at hearing the moan that escaped Carlito’s mouth, vibrating Johnny’s lips. It seemed to come from his stomach with the way it was pushed out of him. Carlito stopped kissing him and resorted to putting his head on Johnny’s shoulder and moaning into his collarbone, hands tightly gripping his forearms. He stroked Carlito quickly and slowed down again for a few seconds before stroking quickly again, since he knew that that’s what he liked. This made Carlito gasp into his shoulder which made Johnny think he surprised him again.

      He knew Carlito was close when went silent and tensed, hands gripping Johnny’s forearms so hard they made his muscles cramp. He made sure to stroke as fast as he could. When he felt the familiar warmth greeting his hand and heard the loud moans leave Carlito’s mouth, he slowed down and allowed himself to feel relief and something close to satisfaction.

      He thought it would end there. Carlito looked disheveled, breathing hard, messy hair and his pants still undone. But he looked less tense, the way he looked when he got what he wanted. Johnny started to pick up his shirt and put it on, but in that moment, he was shoved against the shelves again. Carlito was looking at him with a look that, to people who didn’t know Carlito, looked like anger, but Johnny did know him. When Carlito was angry, it was only in his eyes. His eyebrows wouldn’t furrow the way they did now, his lips wouldn’t be tight the way they were now. This, Johnny knew, was a look of determination. Johnny was confused as to what Carlito wanted until Carlito pulled the shirt he had started to put on off his shoulders and on the ground. And by the time Carlito’s hands were at the clasps of Johnny’s pants, undoing the buttons, Johnny knew exactly what he wanted. Carlito put his hand into Johnny’s pants which made him hiss. But Carlito only stroked him a couple of times before he pulled his hand away and stepped back. Johnny was almost confused again but Carlito’s face as he stepped away and leaned against the door opposite him said it all. He felt another wave of heat wash over him at the way Carlito was looking at him, leaning his head back, and making his eyes half open as he stared through his eyelashes. Johnny knew Carlito wasn’t expecting him to do anything. He knew Carlito thought he had challenged him to something he would never do. He could see it in his eyes behind the desire. But his job was for Carlito not to know him. He’d keep surprising him to the end, he thought. Until he betrayed him, he thought, but pushed it away as he pushed his hand into his own pants. He fought the instinct to close his eyes as he stroked himself to look at Carlito instead. Carlito had to think he’d try to close his eyes or look away, so he did the opposite.

      He was already close and he was feeling too much to fit embarrassment in with the other emotions. He felt wound up and ready to break, he felt vulnerable, he felt scared.

      Carlito continued to watch and it wasn’t until Johnny came, grunting, that Carlito caught him by surprise. He came close just as Johnny’s head fell forward, catching it in his hands to kiss him hard. He let go and pulled away just as quickly and whistled quietly, calling Johnny crazy. Johnny gave a quick retort as if what happened hadn’t just happened. _Really_ happened.

      He was crazy.


End file.
